Pain: a different kind of a painkiller
Suffering is ironically an incredible medicine from the suffering. Suffering is like medicine. It shows up when it is needed the most. No one likes to take it, but everyone knows the medicine is necessary.
Suffering is also a symptom of an illness. The body hasn’t learned to fight it and the pain signals something needs to be done. So the person invents the vaccine — a small dose of malice injected into the body for it to deploy a strategy of healing.
In my case, the suffering of a physical pain is less constant than the suffering of the mind. It is the microdoses of shame and guilt that is eating away the mind’s sanity, if it’s not attended carefully.
Like a water drop, seemingly harmless, dripping on the rock, creating a significant dent with time.
I am sitting on the Skyline train in Bangkok coming from work and my leg is sticking out looking very lazy. The lady enters from the last stop and decides to stand next to my lazy looking leg. She would push it slightly, nudge it, and almost step on it with purpose, letting me know what I am in her way.
I am beginning to get annoyed and justifying my position in my mind. To my defense there was so much space available on the train beside the small section of my leg territory, and my knee couldn’t bend. But it wasn’t enough for me to calm down. I waited for her to say something to my face so that I could get the most joy out of my righteousness.
And she did!
She tapped me on my shoulder and with reprimanding eyes combined with disappointing head tilt she told me to have my manners and fold my leg. I told her that I am disabled, and not in an apologetic way but with the gusto of retribution.
I could see her heart sinking in her expression and out of embarrassment moved to another space.
When I feel guilt, it most often appears unexpectedly and at any time. Where do I suffer in this situation? Wanting to get retribution brings out joy of justice but also anger. If you dig deep the anger is a residue of a guilt resonating from the past.
Remember that the body remembers? Suffering awakened the dormant shame/guilt I felt about myself.
I came home, dropped my bag on the floor, sat on the couch and the anger was still there. Then I remembered the saying,
“Revenge is thinking that you are inflicting a just punishment on others while drinking the poison yourself and sinking in the suffering together.”
— unknown
It was time to take the medicine:
- I stay in a feeling, trying not to fix it or suppress it
- Then, once I feel the feeling is becoming less intense I am now ready to face the truth:
- What happened in the past that made me feel this way for the first time?
- What conclusions did I can about MYSELF or deny any reality I fear about myself?
It is really not about the lady, it is about ME reacting to her “whatever she is doing.”
Realize you are hurt because you believe it is true. No one forces you to believe it unless you do. You can believe anything you want only with permission of your own will.
So to answer my question #4 — The body felt guilty for having a disability and being in other people’s way. As a defense mechanism it used anger and stubbornness to prove to others that it was not its fault.
How do you know the medicine worked?
It is two weeks later and I am sitting on the same train coming from work on Friday night. People are packing like jelly worms in a jar wiggling in for available space while Diana is doing her thing with her leg out, like a jelly worm too but that’s too dry from staying out in the air for too long.
First sign, I can joke about it!
People would step and push and make the face reprimanding me for being an ill mannered young lady again. The sense of shame begins to rise, but now I am just aware of it without reacting.
Second sign, the feelings never go away, but now you are more aware of you having a choice and not just needing to react.
So, I moved a little to the left and to the right according to the people’s position around me. I worked with them, I put in my effort, and I danced with them. They obviously saw that there was something about my knee and they stopped stepping on it.
I was not a stubborn rock anymore, but playful water. I felt a sense of companionship and understanding even from a little moment like sitting on the train with strangers.
Third sign is that you realize you are much more dimensional than you ever thought you HAD to be.
If applied correctly, the suffering is the opportunity to let out the negative emotion and allow it to seep into our bodies and souls. It can give an exultant awakening from a long lasting sleep, a sleep that blindsided us to see that we are free to act in infinite ways and none is THE necessary option.
P.S. Thank you for that lady for being you in that moment and, thus, inspiring me to write this post.
